I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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