I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
