My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
