You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
