If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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