I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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