I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
