Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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