I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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