Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
