he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
