I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
