you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
