So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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