eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
