I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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