theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize