Where is the hickey?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
