weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
