not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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