Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
