Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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