he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
