Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We are two peas in an std pod
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
