they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
