You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
