I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
