He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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