Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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