i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
