I wish I could teleport
I can text with my tongue
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
