I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
