i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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