Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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