Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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