New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize