Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
