i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
