Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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