girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
