i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
