my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
