If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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