how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
