My hand turned me down
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
