Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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