clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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