So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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