and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
