I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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