walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
