I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize