After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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