So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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