apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
