i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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